And On The Subject Of Bigfeet(s)...

As those of you who follow the exploits of The Chuckmeister know, I just luuuuuuvv Bigfoot!

I love nearly all things about this notoriously scarce cryptid, and have my whole life.  I think this guy's real, given that he has just about two and one-half million miles of nobody-home forest in North America in which to chase down anything he wishes when snack time comes.

That's an area the size of Alaska.

Why is such an urbane and worldly bon vivant as myself so famously taken with Bigfoot?  Oh, maybe it's because the idea of one or a few thousand 9' or 10' 1,000 lb. hairy smelly beasts roaming our back yards is so romantic.  It tells us that so long as the possibility exists that that this guy's real, it proves we're not the master of our universe, not even just a little.

And never were.

And that we've got a few things left to learn.  And that we ought to set about learning them, post haste.

It tells us that there was a time when there were species competing with each other for dominance.  At one time the archeologists tell us there were as many as 6 human-like species all beating the crap out of each other for territory.  Homo-Sapiens Sapiens, that would be you and me, won out.  But we've found evidence of another species called the Denisovans which were late to depart.  Late as in 12,000 years ago.  This Bigfoot guy might just be one of them there folks...

So we've got more than 1,000 certified casts of Bigfoot tracks.  Some with dermal ridges and skin folds impossible to fabricate.  We just don't have a Bigfoot.  And God help me, I hope we never do.  Why?  Because from what I read, Bigfoot(s) are predominantly brown in color, or perhaps black, or maybe a bit orangey.  BTW, there are no White Bigfeet in North America.  Only in Asia.  

That's why I'm comfortable in predicting that if we were to ever crack the code, to find or trap a live Bigfoot, or even a family of them, or even a whole tribe/group/covey/pride, perish the thought, there would be a Democrat community organizer there within minutes to sign them up for a green card.  And food stamps.  And Aid to Families With Dependent Children.  And a cave allowance.  And perhaps some gift certificates to Starbucks and Ben and Jerries.  And most likely reparations for having been harassed by White hunters all these years.  And a recurring guest slot on MSPMS. 

Oh yeah, and lest we forget, health insurance.  As to how that might be delivered deep in the forest, I can't be sure.  But that won't stop them from trying.  I'm guessing they'd start with a full-blown commission to study the matter, with a chain of Gummint clinics staffed by veterinarians soon to follow.    

America cannot afford any more "people of color" in our wagon.  We're tired of pulling it, and if you were to load it down with a few thousand extra pounds of lazy Bigfoot(s)/feet(s), we would surely drop our load.  

Literally.

So keep on looking.  Just don't find.  We cannot afford it...