Today is the 22,359th day in a row I haven't used Algebra.
That's my opening salvo in my never-ending war against bullsht,* almost worthless college degrees. And I'm here to lay out my case for all to see.
When I (barely) graduated from high school (if my typing teacher wasn't a first cousin, I wouldn't have) I attended college to make my parents happy. Not me, my parents. They wanted me to have a college degree. I didn't, they did.
They knew instinctively that a degree makes a kid more employable. And that means more money for the rest of your life. Except I didn't need no stinkin' job. I was a professional pool player by then, knocking down more dough than the mayor.
And that there was a two-track system back then, as there is now. When you graduated high school, you either joined the ranks of the lower class work force (ahem!) and become a plumber or carpenter or truck driver, or you became a white collar earner. Staying clean, sitting behind a desk, talking on the phone, boring yourself to death. Or at least that's what they claimed.
It hasn't been true for several years, now that UPS truck drivers start at $176,000 a year. Or roughly twice what an entry level white collar job pays. And that lie still makes worried parents dip into their 401(k)s to the tune of $30,000 a year for tuition, or even more.
Sometimes much, much more.
I didn't care. Like I said, you could find me in a pool hall somewhere peeling some unsuspecting rube like a grape. I had walked past a pool hall when I was 13 and decided to go in. I won $3.60 that afternoon, when my after school job paid $0.60 an hour.
I was totally enchanted with green felt and those cast phenolic resin pool balls banging together. Nine ball was my favorite game, but 8-ball, call shot, bank pool, anything involving a cue and an opponent - and money - was a-okay with me. I'd been winning major bucks across a hot pool table for several years by then, and I intended to continue doing so. And if I had to pretend to attend classes to keep my folks happy, while spending my time on the road hustling, I'd do so.
I thought everybody wore a money belt and carried a gun.
This was pre-Viet Nam, BTW. That war (police action) was just heating up, so going to college to maintain a 2-S deferment and avoid the draft had yet to become a thing. Just mom and dad paying tuition and me at the pool hall.
Oh, I'd attend the classes that interested me. I was attending a state school so a liberal arts focus in its curriculum was what I faced. Now, I believe there's literally no reason at all to learn about sub-sarahan Africa's environmental challenges. Or learning all there is to know about Black Studies (how much is there to know?). Or any left-wing social studies class they might dream up. I actually heard of a gal earning a degree in Medieval Lesbian Poetry. Me? I majored in Psychology. And Economics. If I had to go, I wanted to learn why people do the things they do, and then how their decisions impacted their bank accounts.
To make a long story short, I flunked out of 5, count 'em, FIVE colleges before the newly installed draft caught me. It's not like I wasn't smart enough to pass, it's just that I didn't attend classes. They sort of insisted on that. I could only keep my 2-S deferment for 5 and 1/2 years. I didn't know that, BTW. When I reached that milestone without a degree, they nabbed me. So I had no choice but to interrupt my pool career, and also my college career, such as it was, until I took care of that "other" matter. That's a whole 'nother story, which I'll cover in depth one day.
4 and a half years later I returned to college to finish up. I only had 76 transferrable credits to my name, believe it or not, so I took 44 semester hours over a 12 month period and earned all "A's." Even so, my accum for those 124 hours was a 2.78. Yes, it was that bad.
I took my diploma, ink still drying, and visited a sales recruiter in Kansas City. To try and score a job for which I was qualified before the degree. Fortunately, a district manager from Pfizer was there interviewing. He saw me in the hallway and asked if I was interested in a sales position. I had a job before the sun set that day, for which a college degree was only necessary to prove I could stick to it enough to earn one. Nobody ever asked my major, nobody cared. And I never used a single thing I learned in college after that.
Not one single thing. Including algebra.
Doubt me? In my final semester I trained a white rat to stuff a marble in a beer can. In a Skinner Box. In a 500-series psychology course. Selective reinforcement, they called it. Yawn! I named him Frank Lloyd Rat, BTW. Since this was a private school, I paid serious money for that course. Yet, I can tell you there's never been an instance where rat training has benefitted me in my professional career. Nor has the requirement to train them popped up.
Oh yeah, algebra. If someone decides to make "a" equal something, and "b" equal something else, my mind goes out to lunch. Especially if you ask me to find an answer when you put them into an equation. Oh, I can deduce the answer in my head without the equations, as I've trained myself to do, but my algebra teacher wanted to see the way I found it. Fortunately, Mr. leach gave his students 2 points on their tests for spelling their names right, so I eaked out a "D." Just enough to pass the class.
And there was this English teacher. She had a Phi Beta Kappa key in three subjects, Math, Music and English. And she wore all three keys every single day. When she walked they all clanged together. Very disconcerting. And she only had two dresses. Both of them covered with gigantic flowers. She would alternate them week to week. And she never had them cleaned, either. You didn't have to look to know it was her coming into the classroom. Her voice was like rocks banging around in a tomato can. There wasn't a day I sat in her class that I didn't contemplate suicide.
And yet both of those classes were required to pass. Once again a major reason to avoid college. Those folks "profess" some knowlege. And want you to pay them to profess it. What if you simply don't want to learn it?
I go through all this in order to make you understand that a college degree that doesn't end with a license to practice something or other is almost totally worthless. That's why so many kids with shiny new degrees today are asking, "Would you like fries with that?" As they try and earn enough to pay back their student loans. While electricians are earning $200,000 a year, almost from Day One. Farriers, guys who shoe horses, are knocking down $250,000 a year. And they're working outdoors in the fresh air. These folks have been succeeding for years while these kids have been cooling their heels in a classroom somewhere. Trying to convince themselves that doing this same thing over and over, every year is other than insanity.
Want to be a doctor? Great. A nurse? Sure. A lawyer. Totally okay. An engineer? Yessiree! But a dufus with a degree in math or music or English, you're sh*t outa' luck. Those kids will be competing with each other for entry-level jobs in 2026 America. And if they'e lucky enough to snag one they'll probably be starting in the mailroom.
Oh yeah, before I go, let me advocate for a career in the military. You can enlist, or hopefully get a slot at a military academy and become an officer, in any of the 6 branches of our military. They're all good. Some feed their kids better than others, like the Air Force, but pick 'em. Spend 4 years in uniform, travel the world, grow the Hell up, have lots of fun, and be discharged honorably with a DD-214. Proof that you served. You'll be better received when you apply for a job than those with b.s. degrees. And the best part: The military will then pay for you to go to college. No student loans, evah! They'll even send you off to become a doctor or lawyer or nurse, if you want. It's the best little known bit of news you never knew.
But don't let your kids spend 3 or 4 years going into debt to get a degree that makes them broke and employers yawn. Have them start in the trades, or go to the Army. Or Navy. Or Marines. It'll grow your kids up virtually overnight and save your retirement money so you can blow it on yourselves. What's not to like?
You're welcome.