Dr. Mireya Mayor, famed primatogist, biologist and adventurer, ex-NFL "Raiders" cheerleader, and star of the hit series "Expedition: Bigfoot," just released the following announcement:
The absolute cutting-edge technology, sand/soil-based EDNA (Environmental DNA) evidence sample they collected and sent to the lab during their recent Kentucky Bigfoot search just came back: It was from a...
Chimpanzee...
Not a near-Chimpanzee, a Chimpanfrigginzee!!!
Now, all I can assume is what we've all assumed over the years. Since none of the tens of thousands of sightings of Bigfoot over the years has ever likened it to a chimp, all we can assume is that our Big Boy is a hybrid of that species...and something else. Like a chimp and a Neanderthal, for instance. Or a Denisovan, perchance, which was just discovered to have lived about 12,000 years ago and made a habit of patrolling Canada, Alaska and Asia. He was intimated to be about 8' tall and weigh in at about 400 lbs.
Or he could be the result of a happy coincidence. A meet-up at the old watering hole might have ignited a love affair involving between our early-something and a Gargantuan. This enormous fellow lived about 100,000 years ago, we're told, except those who tell us that crap are sooooooooo often wrong (still wearing a mask, are we?)! Anyway, Gargantua was yuuuuuge! He just about doubled all of Denisovan's stats. 12' - 14' tall and 1,200 lbs. Biiiiig!
So, I don't know and really don't care. We now have scientific evidence of a New Species! Helllloooooooo!!! To all the "reporters" at the N. Y. Times, and the Chicago Trib, and ABC/CBS/NBC and all the other alphabets, and every single cable "news" channel:
Bigfoot lives!
And thank God for that. Now that The Donald is gone you really need something new to write about!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment
The Chuckmeister welcomes comments. After I check them out, of course. Comment away!