"First, Kill All the Lawyers,"

We all remember this quote from Dick the Butcher, now don't we? (Henry VI, Part 2).

It occurs in Act IV, Scene 2.  It is meant as a tribute to attorneys by Shakespeare, noting that the character who spoke this line wished to cause chaos, and to do so he first had to eliminate all the lawyers.  They serve as the "glue" that holds a society together, Shakespeare believed, and Dick also thought, and only by eradicating them can true chaos occur.  And true chaos was the his goal.  

Flash forward to America today.  Did you know we have 1,366,000 lawyers in America?  That compares to the same number in India, which has one billion more people.  And 300,000 in China, which has one billion more people.  I'd guess you need permission from the State to sue in China, BTW.  And only 144,000 in all of Canada, with 44,000,000 people.  Those Canadians are super nice people, doncha' know.  Eh?  

In short, we've got one serious bunch of lawyers.

I often wondered back when I was in business when we'd reach the tipping point.  That point where there were so many lawyers they'd have to sue each other to make their rent.

Did you know the average salary of a lawyer today is $155,000?  The lawyers I know work hard for every penny they earn, so I'd say they're underpaid.   And they went to school for 7 years to get that license to practice.  Did you know that UPS pays their truck drivers $176,000 a year?  And a college degree is not required?  And Amazon starts their long-haul truckers at $16Ok a year?  Again, no college degree necessary.  And ferriers (horse shoers) earn about $250,000 a year, playing with horses and breathing the fresh air all day long?  Just thought you'd like to know.  

Did you know that 48 of the 100 Senators in our Congress are lawyers?  And 35% of all the Congressweenies in the House of Representatives are lawyers?  I sort of feel sorry for all our legislators who AREN'T lawyers.  I'm guessing the lawyers all sit at the same tables in the cafeteria, making non-lawyers feel like second class citizens.  Members of the same club, doncha' know.  Kinda' like it was back in high school.  The jocks all palled around together and the braniacs were personna non grata.  That last bit is Latin, doncha' know.

I'd like you to think about this:  We elect legislators to go to Washington to do what?  Make new laws!  We don't need no more stinkin' laws!!!  We've got so many we can't even comprehend them!  And the lawyers we send to Congress to make new laws generally don't know squat about business.  All they know is the law!  So they write laws that may in fact be in conflict with the best interests of business.  And the public.  Which is what keeps the turnstyle turning!  Please tell me you know this makes no sense at all!

Did you know that the only colors that look good on lawyers are black and tan (the colors of doberman pinchers)?

Do you know why sharks never attack lawyers?  (Professional courtesy.)

Did you know what they call 100 lawyers lashed together and marched into the sea?  A good start...

A good divorce lawyer charges about $800 or $900 an hour.  Or even more.  In fact, were God to give me the chance to do it all over, I'd actually study in school the 2nd time around and become a divorce lawyer in Hollywood.  The current divorce rate is 50%, and the average marriage lasts but 7 years (same as my first one), plus all those actors are rich.  Imagine snagging a JLo and Ben!  So I'd just get a nice office, hang out my shingle, buy a billboard on Hollywood Boulevard, and wait. 

Or perhaps a criminal defense attorney.  You can charge an arm and a leg, or at least a leg.  And if you don't get the perp off, he goes to the slammer, and can't hurt you.  Better even than a plastic surgeon.  They charge more, but you might have to perform do-overs.  Or deal with their husbands.

Did you know Taxifornia has 366,000 laws on its books?  66,000 more even than the Federal Gubmint.  Twice as many as New York State, and three times as many as Illinoway.  You'd think they'd take a law off the books each time they wrote a new one, wouldn't you?  Except they don't.  They just leave them active, festering, awaiting some crafty lawyer to dig them up so they can beat the crap out of a city or a prosecuting attorney for their client.  

Even though beauticians must go to school for two years, cops only go to school for 28 weeks to get certified.  And much of it isn't even on the law.  They're only trained on the laws that bring in the major bucks.  Like DUI's and speeding and such.  Does that make sense to you?  Not to me!  

So lawyers are necessary to know the laws the cops don't, and neither do we.  The lawyers know that but the cops don't.  The cop arrests you for a non-violation, or violates your civil rights, and the lawyer gets you off.  All's then great in the Land, except you're out the $5,000 for the lawyer.  And the cop doesn't even get his hand slapped (indemnity, doncha' know). 

BTW, my best friend is a lawyer, so I don't paint them all with the same brush.  He's a great guy and I don't think less of him for choosing this profession.  Don't hold it against him at all.  I forgave him a long time ago.  In fact, I learned from him to be afraid, very afraid, because anyone with a law degree can sue anyone else at anytime for just the $125 filing fee.  And they do.  Often.  

I'd suggest you make sure at least one of the girls in your family marries a lawyer so you get a discount on your legal fees.  I'd say to try and get the help for free, except lawyers don't do that.  A plumber or electrician just might, but never a lawyer...

Through my lawyer buddy I learned a bunch about business law, and actually managed to practice it for my own company for 40 years.  During this time I sued 13 hospitals in small claims court and won them all.  Hospitals do not as a rule pay their bills on time, or sometimes at all.  They believe Net Payment - 30 Days means Net Payment - Never (their Chief Financial Officer's are chosen from among the top used car salesmen, where honesty is considered a personal failing), so they need a good suing every now and again.  They need slapping around a bit.  And not enough folks do it.   

I personally suggest that everyone go to law school because our society is so litigious.  Or perhaps an associates degree from the local junior college.  Everyone threatens to sue everybody else these days, and some do.  So if you intend to do business, and unless you have the means to hire lawyers (or have one in your family), it's best to know all about the law.  Or have an Only-Fans girlfriend to provide you with the cash to keep an attorney on retainer.

On the way out the digital door, my advice is to try and avoid cops to the maximum extent possible.  Keep your head down and don't make eye contact.  The same as gazelles tiptoeing among the lions on the Serengheti.  But when one of them gets you in his crosshairs, it's a great idea to have an attorney on speedial.  One who'll rush right out and save your butt.  Only by so doing can average citizens like you expect to keep your money in your pocket, your ass out of jail, and lead a happy, uneventful life...