Gates, Jobs and Doggy Doo

I begin this posting on April 18^th, Tax Day 2011, with a simple economic fact: Unless you operate a Ponzi scheme, or engage in armed robbery or some other form of actionable illegal behavior, you do not get rich by making others poor. Simple, huh? In fact, Sir Winston Churchill had a famous quote on the subject. He said, "Trying to make oneself rich by making a rich man poor is like standing in a bucket and trying to pull yourself up by the handles." An Englishman said that! It would be reasonable to assume that everybody, and I mean everybody, recognizes this pronouncement as fact. Reasonable, yes. Unfortunately, such is not the case.

As we learned from our Campaigner-in-Chief on April 13^th, during his most recent "Major Policy Speech of the Week," the wealthy in this country aren't paying their fair share. They need to pay more so that Obama can redistribute it according to his progressive agenda. After all, he said, they can afford it. No matter that the top 1% of wage earners in America pays nearly 40% of all income taxes. And the top 5% pay more than 70%. And the bottom 53% pay only 3% of all income taxes collected. Pay attention Mr. and Mrs. and Ms. America, 47% of Americans pay no income tax at all! In fact, many get a redistribution check from the Feds due to "Earned Income Tax Credits" and other exemptions and deferments. No, the "rich" aren't paying enough according to Obama, and he intends to almost (actually, not almost…not even close) balance our Federal budget in the next 12 years by imposing on millionaires and billionaires increased taxes while simultaneously reducing or eliminating altogether their onerous, unearned and unfair deductions which they should never have been granted in the first place by those evil Republicans. And by "millionaires and billionaires" he means individuals making $200k a year and married couples pulling down $250k per annum. That oughta' fix them. Oh, and by the way, talk about the "marriage penalty." Two people living together and pooling their incomes could earn $399,999 per year in total before being hit with Obama's new tax sledgehammer. Yet, two folks who are married can only earn up to $249,999. Is anybody out there paying attention but me?

So, in summation, those slimy capitalists are trying to keep too much of the money they've earned, and they need to be punished! Class Warfare! Those of you who believe this would be a good idea, consider the following:

80% of those earning $200,000 per year, the threshold at which one becomes "rich" according to Obama, operate small businesses incorporated under sub-chapter S of the income tax code. That means what they earn via their company passes directly through to them personally, and then they are taxed on that profit. If we as a country take more of the money through taxation these entrepreneurs earn, that will necessarily leave them with less to reinvest in their businesses, and less to pay those they might hire. In other words, the less they're left with the less they have to plow back into their businesses and, indirectly, into our Country. If that extra money is confiscated by the Government so that it may be redistributed according to some leftist ideology, it cannot be used to create the jobs we sorely need to get us out of this recession. Of course, those running things in D.C. who have never created a job, managed a business, signed a check on its face or struggled to meet a payroll, including our brilliant young President and 93% of the very nice folks in his Cabinet, seem to be ignorant of this fact. One should consider that if 100% of the incomes of all Americans earning over $250k were confiscated by Obama and Company, it would still not be enough to erase our 2010 – 2011 Federal deficit of $1.65 Trillion. In fact, it would take 134% of the incomes of those in the top tax rate to bring $1 Trillion Dollars into the Treasury,(1) still leaving us with a $650 Billion deficit. The tax burden of the top 1% of taxpayers now exceeds that paid by the bottom 95%.(2) Enlightening?

Oh, and by the way, 75% of all the jobs in America come from small business. A small business is defined as those with up to 250 employees. Three quarters, folks. 3 out of 4. Does raping the earnings of the creators and maintainers of these jobs make a little less sense now?

Bill Gates did not become a multi-billionaire by taking those billions from others. He became rich by creating something others want and are willing to pay for. Steve Jobs did the very same thing. He created wealth by creating value. And in the process he created jobs (Jobs creates jobs, get it?). Thousands of them. Don't want an iPad? Don't buy one. The guy who invented microchips got rich, and as a result, many, many tens of thousands of others did the same using that basic technology to create a myriad of other products and services. And our lives were improved in the process. And newly-created taxes gushed into the Treasury as a result. They still do. Snoop Doggy Doo earns millions by making a fool of himself. But he does not earn those millions off the labor of others. He makes it by uttering unintelligible (c)rap. When he makes money others don't lose it. So should Gates and Jobs and Doggy Doo pay more taxes even though they're already bearing the lion's share of all taxes paid? Obama says an emphatic "Yes." And those in his little downstream redistribution club agree with him.

Should Obama be successful in raising taxes on the highest income earners in our country, I predict that no additional revenue will be raised. In fact, less money should be coming over the transom than is presently being collected. Why, Mr. Chuckmeister, you might ask? The top earners among us didn't get that way by being stupid. Tax them too much and they'll do exactly the same thing they did while Jimmuh Carter was screwing up America. They'll involve themselves in tax avoidance schemes to minimize the tax bite. They'll invest in pieces of Jojoba bean farms, unreleased Willie Nelson records, wind and solar generation plants, art investment/depreciation programs and sale/leasebacks of government buildings, etc. Or they'll engage in bartering, trading something they have or make for something else they need or want, taking that transaction off the IRS radar. It worked then and, with the help of some able accountants, it'll work again. The Bottom Line is, lower tax rates and increase tax revenues. Reagan and Bush's 1 and 2 proved it. I hope the next president is smart enough to prove it again. And hopefully, soon.

I say Obama's position on this issue proves one thing for sure: Having an Occidental and Columbia and Harvard education and having worked hard for several weeks as a Community Organizer for A.C.O.R.N. signing up folks to vote Democrat does not make one a qualified economist. In fact, I believe it proves that this fellow doesn't even know what he doesn't know. But he has been given the keys to our lives and our Treasury by a bare majority of our citizenry. They will all feel better if some extra taxation is extracted from the productive in our society, just because the "rich" can afford it. And they want it. And they're going to get it. And just because they seem to believe that these folks got "rich" by luck or thievery rather than hard work and the willingness to take risks. Keep it up, all you lefties, and watch as those who are growing weary of being picked clean by our society's Professional Leaches vote with their feet and take their money and their jobs (no, not Steve) to Costa Rica, the Panama Canal or the Cayman Islands, leaving no one here in Astlan to create jobs and pay the bills but sign twirlers and Starbucks' Baristas.

Somebody ought to tell Obama that he's making a bigger fool of himself than Doggy Doo. Given that he's surrounded himself with ideologues even less qualified than he is, if that's at all possible, I somehow doubt that's going to happen any time soon.

Oh, and by the way, yes, the Chuckmeister is a graduate economist.

1. Calculations compiled by the Heritage Foundation from data provided by the White House Office of Management and Budget.



2. Interal Revenue Service, 2008

Enhancing Self-Esteem, at a Stiff Price

NASA's website states its "…mission is to pioneer the future in space exploration, scientific discovery and aeronautic research."

It used to be anyway. I think that its website should be updated a bit following revelations revealed in Charles Bolden's June, 2010 speech in Egypt. Mr. Bolden is NASA's Administrator and he was being interviewed by Al Jazeera TV on the one year anniversary of President Obama's Cairo speech. Mr. Bolden had some very interesting things to say about NASA's new mission. Bolden stated that he had been called in by Obama and told that "…NASA's foremost duty is to make Muslims feel good about themselves." He was told to help them boost their self-esteem. He was told to reach out to the Muslim world and honor their historic contributions in science, math and engineering. Bolden went on to state that "NASA is not only a space exploration agency. It's also an earth improvement agency." Well isn't that special.

It's good that NASA has this new task on its plate, because the Obama Administration has drastically cut its budget, which has resulted in the cancellation of virtually all manned space flights. That includes the development of the next rocket which was supposed to take mankind back to the moon. And now with the end of the Space Shuttle program in view, it seems NASA will now morph into a Muslim outreach program. I wonder how that makes the engineers and scientists working for NASA feel? I wonder how it negatively impacts the hundreds of thousands of jobs dependent on space exploration, many of them in California. I wonder if NASA now stands for National Arab Sensitivity Association.

And considering that the International Space Station was built using mostly American money and manufacturing, one has to wonder how we're going to send our astronauts back and forth? Fear not, good friends, we have the answer. Russia, that paragon of virtue, has offered to help. At a price, of course.

We have a contract with the Russians to rocket our folks to the ISS for only $56,000,000.00 per chair. And starting in 2014, the price goes to $63,000,000.00 per ride. I guess when you have a monopoly you can charge whatever you want. And we have a Government which, in a short-sighted decision, has given them that monopoly. I guess it costs less to improve Muslim self-esteem than it does to fire rockets into space. I don't know about you, but I'd prefer our continued investment in space exploration, even if it means that our Muslim friends have a little less self-esteem.

A Very Quiet Declaration of War. With Mexico?

I think everyone who's been paying attention knows President Barack Hussein Obama is against the private ownership of weapons of any kind, and especially handguns. He's from Chicago, after all, a town which has effectively banned almost all guns for nearly 40 years. And so is Attorney General Eric Holder, ex-White House Advisor David Axelrod and ex-Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel, all from Chicago. And although not from Chicago, so is State Department Secretary Hillary Clinton. And let's not forget the two newest Supreme Court Justices, Sonja Sotomayor and Elena Kagan. Both opined during their Senate confirmation hearings the identical, and presumably coordinated, notion that private ownership of handguns is "settled law," and then voted against the private ownership of handguns at their very first opportunity.

Clearly, the folks running things in D.C. are anti-gun in the first degree. Sadly. And just last week Obama stated that we had to find "…some new way to verify at the point of sale that those who shouldn't be permitted…" to buy a weapon were kept from doing so. Some new way. I guess this law professor isn't aware there are literally hundreds of local, county, state and Federal laws which insure just that. Billy Jeff Clinton did his best to gut the 2^nd Amendment when he was POTUS, without success. But, unlike Obama, he didn't have virtually every Chicago pol working with him in D.C. helping him to do so. And as this is written Hillary is actively working with the U.N to enact a worldwide treaty to outlaw virtually all small arms. If passed, this treaty would, for the very first time in history, render our Constitution subservient to the United Nations and effectively erase our 2^nd Amendment guarantees. So what's Obama willing to do to try to do to steal even more of our liberties? You just won't believe it. Read on…

Hillary Rodham Clinton has repeatedly stated her belief that guns were being bought in the U.S. from complicit gun stores and smuggled into Mexico, helping to fuel drug cartel violence there. Mexico's President Calderon has agreed with her. So have Obama and Holder. So the question must have been, how do they validate this theory? Simple. In order to make sure this so-called "iron pipeline" really exists, the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms (ATF) allowed nearly 2,000 firearms over a 15 month period to go from gun dealers in the border states to straw buyers that were the accomplices of a gun runner ring set up by the ATF. In other words, in order to prove that guns were making their way from the U.S. into Mexico, they set up a program to make sure that guns were making their way from the U.S. into Mexico! They called it "Operation Fast and Furious." It was known internally as "Operation Gun Walker," because ATF agents were calmly watching the guns "walk" across the border.

Gun store owners repeatedly contacted ATF with fears that purchasers of multiple weapons, especially so-called "assault" weapons, were being transshipped into Mexico. They were told not to worry and continue selling these weapons. These straw buyers were under surveillance, they were told. And they were…by ATF, who watched as at least 1,759 guns, and as many as 3,000, made their way south. The ATF's plan, I surmise, and presumably the Administration, was to bust a drug ring or two and find loads of black rifles which would then be traced back to the U.S. gun dealers. This would provide "proof" that our laws were lax and should be seriously stiffened, unfairly harming honest gun dealers, perhaps putting them out of business, and further gutting the 2^nd Amendment. What they weren't counting on, I'm sure, was that two of these assault rifles were found at the scene of U.S. Border Agent Brian Terry's death on December 14, 2010. They were subsequently traced back to ATF Gun Walker sales. Others were found near the murdered body of Border Agent Jaime Zapata this past February. ATF has acknowledged that 195 weapons sold in Arizona under their surveillance have turned up in Mexico. Mexican authorities have said they believe that at least 150 Mexicans have died due to these guns.

So how do we know all this is true? It was reported on the CBS Evening News with Katie Couric. A CBS investigative journalism unit videoed gun sales taking place while ATF watched. They then observed these same guns being transferred from one car trunk to another, and then on across the Border. This evidence has caused an international furor, sparking investigations in both Mexico and the U.S. Mexico is more than miffed, considering they were not told in advance this action was to occur. Sen. Grassley and Rep. Darrell Issa have launched investigations in their respective bodies, as have their counterparts in Mexico. Atty. General Holder has commented that this activity is simply "unacceptable." I would tend to agree. However, I'm fairly sure this whole fiasco wouldn't have happened without his – and likely the President's - direct authorization and knowledge.

Put simply, this activity was criminal, and those responsible should be indicted, tried and convicted. But worse is the fact that this action was a clear-cut Act of War on our neighbor to the south. Having this astoundingly stupid and illegal activity see the light of day, it makes one wonder what else our Government is doing to erode our civil rights. Considering those in charge in D.C. were schooled in doing things "The Chicago Way," I'm pretty sure there's nothing they wouldn't do to remake America according to their warped leftist sensibilities. Those of us who believe what the 2^nd Amendment's 27 little words have to say know we're in for a rough couple of years until we get a chance to rid ourselves of these ideologues. I fear for our Country. You should as well.

One Possible Solution

I just had an epiphany. I conjured up a possible solution to the current impasse between the Republican-held governorships, Assemblies and Senates in Wisconsin, Ohio and Indiana, and to an extent New Jersey and Florida, and no doubt others to come, and the public-sector unions in those states.

It seems that the majority of our states are constitutionally required to balance their budgets each and every year. And the recession has made it inordinately difficult to do so of late. We in California know all about that. Since Arnie the Governator promised to "blow up the boxes," California has somehow (mis)managed to go in the toilet to the tune of more than $150 Billion Dollars. That, by the way, is a reeeaaalllllllyyyy big number. But unlike in California, the new governors in the states above listed have begun making the tough choices necessary to save the billions they're upside down. In Wisconsin's case, Governor Scott Walker needs to find $3.7 Billion to balance his budget. And to do so, he's dead set on forcing the public sector union members, with the exception of cops and firefighters (one has to wonder why that exception), to cough up slightly more in individual contributions to help pay for their pensions and their health care benefits. But more than that, just like President Carter with Federal employees, he's planning to eliminate their ability to collectively bargain on anything but wages above any annual cost of living increase. The other states are taking similar measures to rid themselves of red ink. All three states have new laws in the hopper which will accomplish these objectives. The unions are not pleased. In fact, they've been picketing and chanting and singing and sloganeering all day, every day since this tussle began. They've turned the stately old WI Capitol Building into a trash heap, resulting in damages exceeding $8,000,000. It kind of makes one wonder just what these irreplaceable, hard-working, middle-class public-sector Americans do for a living which permits them to take two or three weeks off to protest. It seems to me there has to be an answer to this perplexing problem. And I think I've found it.

The public employee union members should simply convert to Islam. Voila! Instantly they would become sacrosanct and off limits. They would be beyond controversy. We would not be able to judge their actions or motivations, or criticize them in any way, because to do so would be hate speech. They would become a protected class, not to be besmirched in the slightest by the media or leftist zealots or those who revere political correctness. And even if they took that conversion to the maximum, embracing polygamy and stoning and wife beating and honor killings, we still wouldn't be able to complain, because that would be racist. If you doubt that, consider what's happening on Capitol Hill. Rep. Pete King, Chairman of the House Homeland Security Committee, is conducting an inquiry into the growing radicalization of young Muslims. His critics consider this inquiry to be racist. He is being called a bigot and an Islamophobe. His life has been threatened. He's under 24-hour guard. And the dinosaur media is excoriating him for his "McCarthy-style" witch hunt against those nice young Muslims. U. S. Rep. Shiela Jackson Lee, D-TX, has even gone so far as to demand that the KKK be investigated right alongside the Muslims, because, once again, to do otherwise would be racist. How many acts of terror has the KKK carried out recently? Oh, never mind.

So all you public-sector union members out there, the answer couldn't be simpler. Convert to Islam and you'll be forever free to live high on the hog, scrutiny free, especially after you retire, at your neighbors' expense. You're welcome.

What Shuts Down in a Shutdown

Government shutdown. Sounds ominous, doesn't it? We've heard from our young Community Organizer President that shutting down the Government would necessarily lead to Social Security checks not going out. Nor those to the military. And a halt to all Government services. San Fran Nancy ("You have to pass the bill to find out what's in it") Pelosi, our ex-House Speaker who now has to fly commercial, poor thing, repeated that allegation. And Harry ("This war is lost!") Reid, Senate Majority Leader, has offered up even more dire predictions about a Government shutdown. You know, Grandma eating dog food and crime running rampant in the streets. That sort of stuff. Well folks, I decided to personally look into this matter and try and separate the wheat from the chaff. What's the truth and what's blatant, partisan demagoguery, I wanted to know. And here are the results of my research:

We have in the good ol' U.S. of A. what we call "essential services." These are the services that are so important they may not be shut down. Ever. They include mail delivery. The 600,000 unionized mail carriers are exempt from shutdowns. Gotta' get those coupons and Victoria's Secret catalogues out to the folks. Air Traffic Controllers. These are the guys who learned from President Ronald Reagan in 1981 that they are so important that they may not go on strike. They did. He fired them. Their replacements are essential. They stay on the job. Or else. The military. Our Army, Air Force, Marines, Navy and Coast Guard keep on working in the event of a Government shutdown and we continue to pay them. Medicare will keep on truckin' and keep on paying our seniors. So will the food inspectors. Can't allow any Mad Cow Disease to occur while our Congressional leaders are engaged in a wrestling match. Health care for our Country's veterans will continue on unabated in the event of a shutdown. Our Federal courts will stay open even if the Government closes so we can continue prosecuting the bad guys. And last but not least (pay attention here, Mr. President), Social Security will continue working like Santa's little elves, sending checks along to the old folks. The dog is safe from Grandma, it seems.

So what services would be curtailed if the Democrats persist in spending at record levels and the Republicans are unsuccessful in getting them to spend just a wee bit less? Well, no visit to Federal parks or museums for you. You wouldn't be able to obtain a new visa or passport. Pity. Toxic waste cleanup at 609 sites would be curtailed. Recruitment of Federal law enforcement officers would be put on hold until an agreement is reached. All Federal contractors in and around Washington, D.C. would be sent home without pay (ahwwww…). No new patients would be accepted for National Institutes of Health clinical research. And there would be delays in processing applications for Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Explosives applications (I'm afraid you'll have to wait to buy that Dynamite!).

Now I ask you, is this extreme? Considering the plethora of absolutely incredibly stupid laws pouring forth from Foggy Bottom of late, I for one am quite looking forward to a Government shutdown. Remember what Mark Twain said on this subject: "No man's pocketbook is safe while Congress is in session." Just imagine if there were a shutdown in Sacramento. Over the past decade or so our Assembly and Senate members have put forth, argued about and passed an average of more than 950 new laws each year. And the Governor has signed into law an average of half them. Some of my favorites include the Paris Hilton law from two years ago. It's now a crime to drive with your teacup Chihuahua in your lap. And last year's new law requiring you to euthanize a mouse, rat or Guinea pig prior to feeding it to your pet Python. While going upside down an average of $22 Billion Dollars each year for the past eight, these otherwise unemployable dimbulbs found time to worry about the mental health of a rat just prior to being ingested. It makes one wonder what benefits would accrue to us, the taxpayers, if the Feds and the State were to send our lawmakers packing for a few months. Write your Congressman/woman/other and let them know your feelings on the subject…

Cutting out the Middleman

Everybody agrees our Country has a serious debt problem. The projected shortfall between revenues and spending is expected to grow to $1.625 Trillion this year. That's One Thousand Six Hundred Twenty Five Billion bucks! That equals all Federal expenditures just 14 short years ago. We are over $14.2 Trillion in debt, mostly to China, Japan and England. It won't be long before our debt eclipses our Gross National Product, which would put us in Greece and Ireland territory. That's not a good territory to find oneself. Not good, indeed.

So, I got to thinking. As a businessman, how I could use good business practices to reduce costs, or increase revenues, or both, without raising taxes and strangling the engine of productivity. And I think I've lit upon a rather creative solution to at least a piece of our problem.

We provide economic aid to scores of countries each and every year. Although it amounts to less than 1% of all spending, it's still a number in the range of $65 Billion per year, which is some pretty serious money. For instance, we send Egypt a care package to the tune of $1.2 Billion a year. Egypt. That's the same country which just ousted its dictator and replaced him and the constitution with some army generals. And within a few months, the army will likely be replaced by a mullah or two. But that's okay. Maybe they will be friendly mullahs. We like mullahs, don't we? It worked so very well in Iran, didn't it? But in the meantime, it makes no sense to me that we borrow money from China so we can send it to Egypt, and Jordan, and Chad, and Namibia, and Fiji and all those other countries. So here's the plan: We do what businesses do every day. We cut out the middleman. Everybody knows that doing so lowers costs and streamlines operations. We simply ask China to send the money straight to Egypt! Instead of laundering it through the Department of the Treasury and the State Department, and the Democratic National Committee, our inscrutable friends should send it straight to Egypt's army! We ought to be able to lay off hundreds, maybe even thousands of Federal public sector union employees who will no longer be needed to massage and redistribute China's money.

Oh, wait a minute. Considering that the Feds have added 200,000 new union employees since January 20, 2008, and appear dead set on adding more, the likelihood of any of them being laid off is somewhere between slim and none. And Slim, as they say, is out of town. Oh well, never mind…

Just Pay Separate Shipping and Handling...

When was the last time you were in the hospital? No, I don't mean stopping by to visit Uncle Teddy who broke his ankle trying to kick little Jamal's soccer ball. I mean as an actual patient. Hopefully, the answer is never. But if it's other than that, you have my heartfelt pity and condolences. That's because I just got sprung from my own hospitalization and there's a story in there worth telling.

Those who know me are aware that I have a rather crappy back. An inherited tendency toward degenerative disc disease, coupled with an early career as a professional pool player (lots of bending over a hot billiard table), both contributed to the torture of a lifetime of back pain. Pain so severe that I underwent my first back surgery in 2004. My second was a year later. And now, after some 5 years, they opened me up one last time to complete the fusion from top to bottom. As my surgeon put it, "It's time to connect your ass to your appetite." Being always of good humor, I remarked that, at the very least, I ought to have good posture.

So five days in the hospital and another 5 in a rehab facility gave me tons of material to blog about. But the routine stuff about being continually awakened from a fitful sleep to be asked how I was sleeping, just won't do. No, I decided that with all that time on my hands I should be able to concentrate on other observations. And the one that immediately came to mind was late night television.

Let me tell you that the TV you get in your hospital room is nothing like the TV you dial up at home. For some reason, probably cost, there are usually only a couple of dozen or so channels in their offering, and that includes three in Spanish and at least one each in Vietnamese and Korean. And the others are a mixed bag of cable stuff from Home and Garden to the Oxygen Channel, whatever that is. At least there was Fox News to keep me informed, but little else worth watching. However, what proved so interesting to me were the commercials, especially those on after Midnight. I can't recall actually watching late night commercials before. But this time I got out a pen and paper and started marking down my observations. And so, dear reader, in an effort to spare you from the pain and torment of having to research this matter for yourselves, here is what I noted:

You need to buy gold. And you need to buy it NOW! There were at least 8 or 9 different companies pimping gold and they did so at all hours of the day and night. And to a man they let me know that gold is well on its way to $2,000 an ounce, or maybe even $3,000. And as the guy kept saying, "It's easy to buy, easy to hold and it's never been worth zero." Well that makes me feel better. I want to buy something that's never been worth zero, don't you? Of course, they didn't mention that they charge you a commission to buy it, a fee to store it, and another charge to sell it. And, unlike most other commodities, it doesn't by and of itself generate anything of value. But hey, a whole lot of people must be buying it because somebody's paying for all those commercials.

People must be buying their car insurance as a result of TV ads as well. Also, because there are just so damn many of them. You've got a talking Gekko pushing Geico, a chick in a white dress with an annoying voice talking up Progressive and a fellow from State Farm letting you know not to do business with those other folks. And like gold, it has GOT to be profitable in order to pay for all those 30 second spots. I'm hopeful that soon we'll be able to buy it after we have an accident, sort of like Obamacare will let us buy health insurance after we need it.

Hoodies were big a couple of years ago. You know, the flannel body suit you wear while sitting next your sweetie in front of the fireplace? Well now, the hoodie comes with footies. I guess next year they'll add gloves to the equation. And maybe then zip-on burkas for those of Islamic persuasion.

Those of you who have been screwed by Social Security can thank your lucky stars you have Binder and Binder. That the firm that'll take on your case and make the Feds pay up. But they could lose the guy who puts on his dull brown hat while saying, "We'll deal with the Government. You have enough to worry about." What's with that hat, anyway?

On the subject of unnecessary affectations, we have Frederick Cox, Founder of Tax Masters. He's the guy with the artificially orange beard who strangely looks off to one side while delivering his pitch. Why doesn't he look into the camera?

I want to know once and for all which is better: Is it Hoveround or the Scooter Store. What I do know is if they qualify you and Medicare fails to pay for your little motorized wheel chair, you get to keep it for free. In fact, with my back the way it is, that's the next call I think I'll make. And by "free," I'm guessing that just means my neighbors will get to pay for it. The redistribution of wealth, don't you know.

A nifty new little invention showed up on late night TV called the Robo Stir. You turn this guy on and stick him in your skillet. From there he starts stirring and stirring all by himself. You can do something else entirely and this guy just keeps on stirring. They say it's $40 in Europe but only $10 here. Oh, but you have to pay shipping and handling. Who besides me believes that the shipping and handling charge covers the total cost of manufacture of gadgets like this one, plus a nice fat profit margin? And wouldn't the Europeans get pissed if they found out they're being screwed out of $30?

Of course, I would be remiss if I didn't mention J. G. Wentworth. That's the company that'll pay you off for your structured settlement. And their ad campaign is soooooo annoying, how could you ever forget these guys? "It's my money, and I want it NOW!" I just wish I had a structured settlement to get paid off from.

And last but certainly not least, there's MESOTHELIOMA! I don't know what percentage of the American population has this dread disease, but if it's in relationship to the number of times these ads run, it has to be a majority. I'm sure it a terrible disease to suffer, but it can't be much worse than having to watch these ads. And now we can add Accutane and Avandia to the list of drugs that these nice law firms will gladly sue over. Let's see, you take a drug for pimples and your leg falls off. Just call the law offices of…

There are others, but I don't want to bore you to tears, like I was. There's reverse 1^st mortgages, the Magic Bullet smoothie maker, Empire Carpet Company, a special ceramic knife that never needs sharpening, AARP Medicare supplemental insurance, etc., etc. After a few days of this I discovered the antidote. A sleeping pill! Just remember that if and when you are next admitted. It'll make your life easier.

Oh, and one more thing. If you'd like, you can usually get two of whatever ridiculous nonsense they're selling for the price of only one. Just pay separate shipping and handling. What a load of crap!