Friday, March 11, 2016
Well, my friends, here it is. The final installment, Part "Kuusi" (Finnish for six, but you knew that, right?), of those things I've learned during my storied and fanciful life. The last in a series of amazing feats of linguistics which have sallied me forth (fifth?) and sauntered me into your lives at this very moment in time. The penultimate pinnacle (they mean the same thing...but you knew that) of stuff I know and think you might wish to know as well. But first...
...I received several comments from around the Blogosphere about my bye-bye line in Part "Funf" (Deutch for "five"). I signed off with, "Hi-Yo Silver. Away!" As anyone at or near their senior years knows, that was what the Lone Ranger shouted as he rode out of sight to end another of those famous black-and-white TV cowboy programs during the 1950's. Those unfamiliar with The Chuckmeister, maybe those living in El Centro, or at the intersection of Florence and Normandy in the very wrongest part of L.A., or in a dumpster behind the nearest Wal-Mart, may not know that I am a student of, and an expert in, those old TV programs, and have much of their lore committed to my near encyclopedic but rapidly deteriorating memory (long sentence, I know, but it's my blog so it's okay). And so, by popular demand, here's the entire intro to "The Lone Ranger":
"Hi-Yo Silver! A fiery horse with the speed of light, a cloud of dust and a hearty Hi-Yo Silver! The Lone Ranger, with his faithful Indian companion, Tonto, the daring and resourceful masked rider of the plains led the fight for law and order in the early western United States. Nowhere in the pages of history can one find a greater champion of justice. Return with us now to those thrilling days of yesteryear. From out of the past comes the thundering hoof-beats of the great horse Silver! The Lone Ranger rides again!"
(And, of course, the very famous announcer was a man named Fred Foy. The Masked Man was played by Clayton Moore and his sidekick was played by Jay Silverheels, a real honest-to-God 'Murican Indian. What else could you possibly want to know?)
Of course, if that program were to be broadcast today, the Masked Man would be a transgender, recovering drug addict with a medical maryjowanna clinic named "High Plains Wacky Tabackey," forced into counseling because of his propensity to wear a mask during working hours, and his "faithful Indian companion" would now be a Native American with an advanced degree in cultural anthropology, who owns a casino and is the founder of the "Red Lives Matter" Political Action Committee. But that's just me...
So, with that out of the way, I now proceed to cap off more of those "I've learned thingies" for your reading pleasure. "Fasten your seat belts. It's going to be a bumpy night." (Betty Davis, "All about Eve," 1950).
- I've learned that Bernie Sanders would be happy to give you the shirt off my back.
- And speaking of "socialists," my definition is: "A socialist is someone who desires all the benefits of an armed robbery without the courage to face his victim personally." But seriously, being a graduate and famed economist, at least in my own mind, The Chuckmeister (if The Donald can have an article before his name, and refer to himself in the third person, so can I) will now give you the accurate definition of the difference between communism and socialism, and your basic, garden-variety Progressive-ism - considering that several leading (from behind?) Democrats have been asked to do exactly that recently and couldn't come up with a satisfactory answer. So here goes:
Communism: Owns the source of manufacturing and wealth production, and, under the control of "those just a little more equal than you," will distribute it, in exchange for fealty. Think it works? Try North Korea.
Socialism: Controls the source of manufacturing and wealth production, and, under the control of "those just a little more equal than you," will distribute it, in exchange for votes or other desired tributes. Think it works? Try Venezuela. They sell gasoline for $0.15 a gallon, but nobody can afford a car. Oh, and they just ran out of toilet paper.
Progressivism: Is insanely jealous of those who make things or invent things or create things, and desires to cozy up to them and pick their pockets when they aren't looking, so he/she/it can then use those proceeds to buy the votes and command the admiration of others. Think it works? Seems that it does. Obama rode that wave into office by promising unicorns and rainbows, and has delivered nothing but pain and torment (or was that the "fundamental transformation" he promised?). And Bernie has ignited a firestorm of support from those with advanced degrees in medieval poetry or existential phenomenalism who can't find a job and don't want to pay back their quarter-million dollars of student loans. Unfortunately for them, they live in a capitalistic country, which is unlikely to change any time soon. Or, at least I sure hope so. Perhaps they should move to Venezuela. But, they should be sure to take plenty of toilet paper with them if they do.
- I've learned that Liberals want everybody to have an opinion...so long as its theirs.
- I've learned that only California is dumb enough to want to build a high-speed train from Bakersfield, a place no one wants to be, to Modesto, a place where no one wants to go. And, despite our being told it would cost no more than $30 Billion a few years back when some dumbass dreamed this up, and the Federal Gummint would pay for 90% of that, those otherwise unemployables in Sacramento are now trying to find almost $100 Billion of somebody else's money to pay for it. Annnd, the Gummint, having run out of money some time ago, is not agonna' pony up more than a sliver of that sum. Oh, and it's now projected to take longer to get from L.A. to San Fran on the boondoggley choo-choo than if you just got in your ancient VW Bug and drove there, stopping frequently for a pee break, for one-eighth of the cost. Proof once again you just can't trust a Liberal with somebody else's money.
- And speaking of how dumb California can be, Carpinteria-based Carls Jr., renowned 60 year-old hamburger chain and parent of The Green Burrito and Hardees, has just announced its intention to relocate its headquarters and all key management personnel to Nashville, TN. Why? Because Taxifornia taxes the Hell out of those who are obnoxious enough to actually succeed in life, and Tennessee doesn't. When, I ask rhetorically, will those "just a little more equal than us" decide to reduce tax rates, both at the state level and nationally, in order to become competitive with those states managed by adults? Don't hold your breath, America. Liberals don't learn from their repeated failures. Take a look at Chicago, Detroit, Baltimore, Newark, Philadelphia, New Orleans, etc., etc., all cities managed in perpetuity by Democrats if you don't believe me.
And don't feel too bad for the several dozen Carls Jrs.' execs who've been forced to move to TN. They will be realizing a 13.9% bump in pay having been rescued from California's state income tax.
- I've learned that the term "people of color" is now almost as insulting and infuriating today as was "affirmative action" in the distant past. What the Hell does "people of color" actually mean? Blacks only? Or does it also include Hispanics and Asians and 'Murican Indians? And, by the way, beige is a color! I be beige and I'm therefore one of them there "peoples of color." So, unless you want to be guilty of reverse racism, stop using that offensive term! Or, start giving me some of that "affirmative action." Your choice.
- I've learned that Iran, having just fired two long-range missiles, is in contravention with its nuclear accord agreement. You know, the one whereby we paid them $150 Billion not to develop nuclear weapons for at least eight years (that long?). But it's not really a problem, folks. That's because they never signed the agreement. Oh yeah, and neither did we. Whaaaaatt? So, we're led to believe that they're bound by an agreement they didn't sign, and we're bound by an agreement we didn't sign. I'm confused. I think I'll lay down...
- Despite hard-and-fast warnings of the impending El Nino deluge that was bearing down on the West Coast, only California was dumb enough to pay people like me to tear out their pretty green lawns and replace them with so-called "desert-scapes." So, it cost me $1,000 to rid myself of the beautiful, but expensive-to-maintain turf, and replace it with cacti and such, and I got a check from the State for $4,000 for doing so. Plus, my water bill has gone down by 90%. Is this a great state or what? I just can't wait for the next episode of Progressive dumbassedness to unfold.
- I've learned that an age-old saying has been proven true once again as we sit painfully through this interminable election season: "When you get down in the mud with pigs, you'll get all dirty, and the pig likes it."
- And speaking of "Progressives," they really want that so-called "1%" to finally pay their "fair share." You've heard that also, right? Well, my friends, and you are my friends, no doubt you, as loyal Chuckmeister readers, must know that the 1% of income earners in America earn about 19% of all income, yet pay more than 35% of all Federal income taxes. Exactly what, I'm wondering, do the Progressives or Liberals or dumbass weenies think would be a "fair share" if this isn't fair? I'm guessing the 1% doesn't think it's fair. And maybe that's the reason that more than 1,000 1%-ers gave up their American citizenship just last year and moved to parts unknown. And, the question has to be asked, wouldn't you if the foo was on the other shoot?
- I've learned that the POTUS has finally, finally stated that he intends to present a plan to Congress to close GITMO, which stands for Guantanamo Naval Base. You'll recall that on his first day in orifice he announced his intent to do so. Something about GITMO being a recruiting tool for terrorists, he says, despite the fact that it was only carved out of a hundred year-old, very large Navy base on the eastern end of Cuba a year after 19 jihadist killers flew hijacked airplanes into the World Trade Center. Apparently that fact was lost on our own resident Community Organizer-in-Chief.
But facts be damned, Obama just has to close it. And the reason he gives is that it is too expensive. Imagine a Democrat saying that something involving taxpayer expenditures is too expensive! But Barry divides the cost of running this 10,000-man forward lookout Naval base through the number of remaining detainees in a jail on a but a tiny portion of it. And so every time he releases one, the cost of detaining the remaining Bad Guys goes up, according to him. So, apparently when we get down to one detainee at GITMO, B. Hussein Obama will ascribe the entire cost of running the GITMO Naval base through its annual $650 Million operating budget. Incredibly stupid. But hey, you hired him, I didn't.
Sooooo, my friends, using this logic, I offer up the fact that it costs more than $1.6 Billion Dollars a Year to run the White House. That's more than 20 times the cost the Brits endure to support their beloved Royal Family. And that number doesn't include the cost of operating Air Force One or any of Barry's more than 40 vacations since he was immaculated, now totaling more than $70 Million. So, I suggest we usher Barry and his family out the door and the whole cost of running the White House goes away, right?
- I've learned before you can be "overwhelmed" you first have to be "whelmed." You knew that, right?
- Annnnnnd, I've learned that there are two kinds of people in the world. Those who divide people into two kinds, and those who don't...
- I've learned that Zimbabwe is overstocked with lions. It seems that when that poor Minneapolis dentist shot Cecil the Lion, legally, with a permit, for which he'd coughed up Big Bucks (more than $50,000!), and the world went nuts, big game hunters started shunning this African country. I mean, who wants to be vilified by a bunch of PETA-types for no good reason whatsoever? Now Zimbabwe is more than 200 lions overstocked because, as a predator with no natural enemies...except big game hunters...their numbers haven't been thinned and they've overgrown their habitat. And, natives are high on lions' preferred list of snack food. And, unless they can find someplace else to put them, they'll have to "cull" them. That means shoot them! Just like the dentist did to Cecil. And that means the local guides won't have anyone to call "Bwana," and the local tribes won't have any game meat to eat, and the local economy will suffer greatly. Just so you know, the entire cost of operating game preserves come from the fees paid by hunters! But the fools at PETA will be able to pat each other on the back while sipping their Pinot Grigio and stuffing canapes into their pouty mouths, their little pinkies high in the air at their Friday night cocktail parties. Kinda' warms your heart, doesn't it?
- I've learned that Chicago is our Mogadishu. So far this year there have been 490 people shot vs. 293 a year ago at the same time. And, with 32 shot last weekend and 4 more dead, their total is 115 dead this year vs. 57 one year ago. Think of it: The city with the very most restrictive gun control laws in the entire United States, a city where you simply cannot legally buy a gun unless your daddy is the Mayor, a city where you are not permitted to defend yourself against those who wish you dead, has the most people killed by gunfire. And what do the leaders of this failed city have to say for themselves? They say they need more restrictive gun control laws! Yeah, that's it. Reduce gun deaths by making it harder for those who aren't killing anybody to buy a gun and shoot back. Remember what they say about insanity: Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result? Not a real good idea.
- I've learned that no matter how bad the situation in the world gets, or how poorly our relationships with other countries grows, or how obvious it is that these failures are our fault, Obama will tell us that it is clearly and obviously not his fault!
- I've learned that there were a total of 1,250 submarines commissioned by the German Navy during World War Part Deux. They were super small by today's standards, crewed by 30 or less. They were part of the dreaded "wolfpack" that terrorized the Atlantic shipping lanes during the run up to the War. They were really more "submersibles" than "submarines," as they needed to spend more time on the surface than submerged so they could recharge their lead acid batteries and replenish their oxygen supplies. Thus, they were easily spotted and destroyed by Allied forces' airplanes.
And on these subs were more than 40,000 young German sailors, average age just 21 years. During the War more than 60% of these sailors, some 28,000, were lost during battle or thereafter. And all but two of these subs were sunk. One is in Leboe, Germany, at the shipyard where it was built, in a museum dedicated to sailors of the world. It was the source and inspiration for the movie, "Das Boot." I've been there. If you haven't seen it, please do so if you get the chance. The other, a "Type 7," is located at the Museum of Science and Industry in Chicago, IL. It was the basis for the movie, "U-571." The Allies captured it, towed it down the Saint Lawrence Seaway to and across Lake Michigan, and then built a railroad track across Lakeshore Highway to bring it up alongside the Museum. I've seen it, and toured it. You should as well. Seeing these weapons of war up close could change your opinion of whether combat is an adventure or a stupid waste for all mankind. It sure was for the Nazis.
And by the way, the "Nazis," or those who were members of the "National Socialist German Workers' Party," were, by definition, "socialists." Take that, Bernie.
- I've learned that the San Francisco Board of Supervisors has just voted to enable their school girls aged 11 - 14 to have access to condoms. All they have to do is ask their school nurse, and voila!, super ribbed neon-tinted Trojans for each of them! And without their mommies and daddies knowing a thing about it! As the father of four daughters, all I can say is what Dana Carvey's Church Lady would have said under the same circumstances: "Well, isn't that special!"
- I've learned that more than three months have passed since Texas made "open carry" of weapons legal. Yes, for the first time in more than 100 years it's now legal to wander around Texas with a six gun strapped to your hip. And, despite howls of rage by the lefty gun-grabbers, and predictions of the end of life as we know it by those who hate and fear anything that looks like a gun, there have been exactly ZERO instances of shootings or rage killings in Texas. And, even more importantly, there have been exactly ZERO instances of Islamic jihadist terrorist murderous attacks in Texas during that same period. Kind of an interesting juxtaposed factoid, don't you think? But then again, what self-respecting jihadist killer would try and intimidate a state chocked full of well-armed citizens? After all, they don't want to be shot down like the dogs they are before they've had the chance to take dozens of innocent souls with them.
- I've learned that Liberals just want to be left alone to live our lives.
- I've learned that it's illegal in California for gun stores to advertise that they sell guns outside their establishments? Why? Somebody, the theory goes, might be sauntering down the sidewalk, whistling a happy tune, see a sign in the window, and decide on a whim to go in, buy a gun and go put a bullet into some poor unsuspecting citizen. Excepppttt, there's a mandatory ten-day waiting period before you can actually take possession of your new to-be murder weapon. Are these dumbasses up in Sacramento actually reading the laws they're passing?
- I've learned that Vicente Fox, Meheeeeeeeko's ex-prez, on live TV, said, "...I'm not going to pay for that f**king wall!" He was of course referring to The Donald's campaign promise to build a 1,000 mile long wall between us and our primary supplier of low-cost labor. To which the Don-Don stated that he would build the wall 10 feet taller. So, how will he make Meheeeeeeeko pay for the wall, estimated by some to cost roughly $7 - $8 Billion? Simple. By my reckoning, all we'd have to do is: a) reduce our annual foreign aid to that country by a like amount, which is now some $57 Billion; b) impose a tariff on any goods manufactured by 'Murican companies in their plants down there by that same amount; and c), glom on to repatriations of monies sent back there by illegals who work here illegally. And that last one equals more than $20 Billion a year. Major money!
- I've learned that if you really want to live in a socialist society, say Cuba for instance, you can do so without leaving the good ol' U. S. of A. Simply take a plane or a train or drive your expensive electric car to San Francisco. San Fran is the left-leaning-est city we have. And they're proud of it! Want to buy a gun in San Fran? No luck. They just ran their very last gun store out of business last month. The High Point Arms store had been in bizz in the Tenderloin District for more than 60 years. But SFO decided that guns be BAD! So, no more gun store. Want to buy a dog or a cat or a fish in San Fran? No luck again. Their city fathers and mothers and others (lots of others!) have decided that pets are people too. They ran their last pet store out of bizz in 2014, putting hundreds of folks out of work. So, if you want a pet or a gun, you have to go across the Golden Gate Bridge to Marin County to purchase Fido or a shiny new Glock. Now, in all fairness, Marin is just as commie as SFO is, but they're at least a little more interested in sales taxes. So they'll happily collect their percentage of any pet or firearm purchase. And, as you know, the San Fran folks really love illegals! Being a sanctuary city, there's lots and lots of illegal aliens running around SFO. And the transgenders who run this utopia are proud as punch! So, take a trip to SFO if you want to learn what socialism is like in actual practice. But hold on to your wallet. The vagrants and homeless will aggressively panhandle you and the police will politely ignore your protestations.
- And speaking of socialists, I've learned that one Senator Bernie Sanders believes that health care in America is a "right." Apparently, Bernie seems to think that we have the "right" to "Life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness, and health care." And where does this "right" come from, he's been asked? Being a member of the human race, Bernie says. Hmmm. And since "life" and "liberty," and "the pursuit of happiness" are free, Bernie, just who, exactly, is going to pay for this "right?" "The 1%," he says. It seems to me that, if this were to happen, it would be far simpler and less complicated for 1%-ers to just be forced to adopt poor folks directly instead of laundering the money through our Gummint for redistribution to those who would ultimately get it. Sort of like the ASPCA does for pets. Let's call it the "ASFRWFTSPKTOG." Or, the "American Society for the Forced Redistribution of Wealth From Those who Shouldn't be Permitted to Keep it to Those who Ought to Get it." Good idea?
- I've learned that 93,688,000 Americans are not in the Labor Force. Think of that number. That means that roughly 40% of working-age folks are not working. And likely not because they don't want to. More likely, it's because they've given up looking for work 'cause there just isn't any. And due to that fact, they are not included in our unemployment numbers. So, our artificially-low 4.9% unemployment rate is likely above 11%! Baaaad!
- I've learned that one Donald John Trump is not afflicted by that age-old problem of "small hands, small...ummm, well, you know." We've all learned of that because Mr. Trump was nice enough to share that fact with us on national TV during a debate in front of more than 16,900,000 prospective voters. One Mr. Rubio suggested that Mr. Trump's, ummm, manhood, shall we say, was smallish because his hands were, ummm smallish. Mr. Trump told us that was not the case. In fact, he "guaranteed" as much. So far as I've been able to determine, this was the very first and only time in more than 230 years of U.S. history that a candidate for the Presidency has bragged about the size of his tallywhacker, or felt the need to. Make of this what you will.
If this campaign proceeds in the fashion to which we've now become accustomed, I think it likely that we may well have a pay-per-view "peck-off," where each candidate whips out the goods and the one with the longest becomes the nominee.
- I've learned that last Tuesday, March 8th, at about 3:45 p.m., while Hil(liar)y Clinton was delivering a rousing stump speech in front of a raucous campaign rally of more than 30 rabid fans, she actually told the truth! Her fans and the reporters in attendance were so shocked, so taken aback, so astounded at the reality that she told the truth when she could have easily lied once again, that a strange, surreal hush came over the crowd. Eyes were wide open, and mouths agape. One could almost hear the breeze blowing through the nearly empty stadium. And then, as if to let her fans know it was just an accident, she lied when the truth would have sounded better and continued on with her speech. Polite nervous chuckles ensued. Those in attendance were heard to remark that none could ever remember Mrs. Clinton ever having made such a mistake before...
And so, my friends, for my exit to this little posting, I take you back to a much-loved and much simpler time. Alongside the Lone Ranger was Superman! And here's the intro, from memory, to that long-ago TV show:
"Faster then a speeding bullet! More powerful than a locomotive! Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound!"
"Look, up in the sky! It's Superman! Yes, Superman, strange visitor from another planet who came to Earth with powers and abilities far beyond mortal men. Superman, who can change the course of mighty rivers. Bend steel in his bare hands! And who, disguised as Clark Kent, mild-mannered reporter for a great metropolitan newspaper, fights a never-ending battle for truth, justice and the American way."
And so, my friends, may the farce be with you.