Friday, April 20, 2012

International Relations

I'm sure you were as moved as I was to watch the space shuttle Discovery do its piggy-back fly-by thingie over Washington, D.C. on April 19th. This episode brings to a close more than 50 years of exploration by the National Aeronautics and Space Administration. And a sad close, at that.

From Gemini and Mercury and Atlas rockets and Apollo moon shots, our vaunted space program has been brought to an ignominious and jaw-dropping close, a victim of politics and money and differing goals and objectives. Now it seems we've left space to the Chinese and the Indians (not the "Whoo Whoo" Indians...the other kind), while repurposing NASA to the goal of making Muslims feel all warm and fuzzy about their past accomplishments in mathematics and music and literature, and maybe cooking for all I know. What I do know is that Discovery will be buried above ground in the Advar-Hazy Aeronautics and Space Center at Dulles Field in D.C. for all to see, forever. And each of those who walk by, slowly, in awe, should be quietly thinking to themselves that our political leaders have sacrificed our long-term position of leadership to others on the alter of shoveling more food stamps and welfare and freebies on those who don't pay income taxes, but do vote, and for the wrong party at that.

So, dear reader, we're buoyed by the fact that NASA is not the only Government program to tank before our very eyes. Just a few days ago we were unprivileged to witness from afar the implosion of the Secret Service. Some of you know (many don't know squat about anything, ever, so I say "some") that the Secret Service has heretofore had two jobs and two jobs only: Make sure our currency stays sound and free from those who would corrupt it by counterfeiting; and protecting the President from all threats foreign and domestic. For more than one hundred and fifty years the Secret Service has done just that. But lately, like NASA, it appears that the Secret Service has taken on a new role; improving "International Relations."

Yes, dear friends, our Secret Service members seem to have taken upon themselves, to work out via all ways unnecessary and imprudent, improving relations with Colombian ladies of the evening. An advance squad of Service members were discovered to be involving themselves "secretly" in relations with these nice women. They should have been prepping for the Redistributor-in-Chief's visit. But Nooooo, they involved themselves in activities much more clandestine. But, in doing so, they failed the First Law of Economics: If you dance, you've got to pay the fiddler. They did not, unfortunately. And the ladies spoke up. In Spanish, no doubt. And loudly!

So, several of these used-to-be-employeds find themselves with much more time on their hands to invest in more International Relations. They've been separated from their jobs, and maybe from their marriages for all we know. Time will tell.

And then there's the General Services Administration. The management we've received as a consequence of hiring Barry the Organizer and his Chicago cronies has resulted in the GSA blowing mind-blowing sums of money on conferences and meetings and vacations and who-knows-what. It looks to this observer like the GSA has been repurposed to single-handedly stimulate the economy by spreading stimulus money hither and thither and yon. Good luck to them. Why didn't I go to work for such a loyal and conscientious agency?

Maybe we could bundle some of these agencies and save some MAJOR money in the process. I'm thinking we could put NASA and GSA and the Secret Service together. We could then have GSA employees taking expensive vacations to Islamic countries, whose residents have been imbued by NASA with a new-found sense of cultural pride, and "stimulating" their citizens like they've been screwing ours...

Monday, April 9, 2012

DUI? Wondering when you can get your license back?

Question: How quickly should an illegal alien get his driver's license back after pleading guilty to a DUI?

Answer: One week, if you happen to be Barack Hussein Obama's uncle.

Yes, boys and girls, it's unfortunately true. Onyango Obama, 67, was busted for a DUI in that geographic center of the progressive universe, Massachusetts. He was sentenced last week to a loss of his driver's license for a total of just 45 days (!). But he appealed that sentence to a hearing officer at the Wilmington, MA Registry of Motor Vehicles. He claimed that such a tough sentence would pose a hardship because it would make it difficult for him to get back and forth to his job as a liquor store manager. Kind of like being a drug addict and working as a pharmacy technician, don't you think? Onyango (I'll use his first name here so there will be no confusion between him and his more famous nephew) bolstered his case with a letter from his employer as well as proof that he'd entered an alcohol treatment program. So Onyango can now legally drive on his hardship license. Interesting, don't you think?

One could reasonably ask why Onyango is here, given that he's an illegal alien and has been residing in Taxachusetts since 1963. And seemingly everybody knows it. They could also inquire as to why he has not been deported. Well, all you taxpayers and legal residents out there, Onyango has been under a deportation order since 1992. But, the INS seemingly can't find him, even though he works at Conti Liquors in Wilmington. We could also ask how he managed to obtain a driver's license, since illegals can't qualify for one. Or how he gets paid, since he can't have a valid Social Security number? I wonder also if he's registered to vote. And, if so, did he vote for his nephew in 2008?

Now, you should also know that Barack's auntie Zeituni Onyango, 58, is also an illegal immigrant and is also living in Massachusetts (this must make the liberal commie pinko weenies in Sacramento just green with envy, knowing that there's another state out there that pays even less attention to immigration laws than California does!). They've been trying to deport this lovely lady since 2002. But, something strange has happened of late. She's been given political asylum, a green card and the opportunity to apply for citizenship. This must be because times are soooooo tough in Kenya these days. I guess all the jobs writing bogus phishing emails over the Internet to unsuspecting suckers here in the U.S. have been taken. Or maybe her nephew had something to do with it...

At least we can feel better knowing that good old Zeituni has not been busted for a DUI. But, on the other hand, she's on welfare and food stamps and is living a nice, comfortable life in South Boston public housing. So there's that...

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Bad News

I have some bad news for you. Try as I might, I did not win the Mega Millions jackpot. And it's bad news because I intended to split the jackpot winnings with those faithful readers of this, my little bitty blog. And yes, I know who you are (I have my ways!). You came oh so close to becoming moderately rich. What a shame.

I figured I'd net about $354,000,000.00 after taxes on a single payout basis. Your share would have been substantial, dear reader, even when divided with the multitudes who dote on my every word. I fell immediately into a fit of depression upon learning of my (our) bad luck. I was able to assuage the depths of my despair with three or four bottles of a very good '09 Santa Ynez Valley Syrah, which, by the way, goes very well with a penne pasta and a nice bolognaise sauce.

But back to the point, now that you know you are on my short list for receiving a share of my lottery winnings, I'm pretty sure you'll wish to accord me the same consideration. So, I'll keep checking my email and my voicemail just in case you happen to win. Good luck.

Remember, 'tis better to give than to receive...